Neil turned 19 months yesterday. I seem to keep count of everyday; a day in his life is a gift in mine. Right now, I’m moved beyond words and tears to put down what I feel for my son. It is quite inexplicable. It is pain, joy, love, and so many other emotions all intertwined. My heart can go to the depths of hell and rise to the glory of heaven in the blink of an eye when I am with Neil. How does one explain the love of a mother for her child?
The pain and anguish I felt when Neil had his surgery; the joy when he took his very first step; the suffering when he was in the ER, the pride when he uttered his very first word. These experiences go beyond actual words. I write them down, but the real experience does not come anywhere close to what I feel in these moments. When I am not swinging between extremes, I am content like a duck in placid water. Being there for him as he takes baby steps towards becoming an adult makes me happy like nothing I’ve known before.
I am an independent, strong, and a terribly willful person, but being ‘Neil’s mother’ somehow alters my personality. Yes, I go through my battles in my head, but those are somehow outside of me. He makes me want to be a better person. Always!

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